For those of you who donapos;t know, last Saturday Donatello passed away.
After enjoying a few days of his new medicines helping get him back to normal, he relapsed terribly Saturday morning and ended up suffocating from clogged lungs. Mikey and I were with him as he fought his final moments. I fought alongside him, desperately trying to save him as it began to sink in what was really happening.
After much screaming, crying, attempts at CPR, and refusals to accept what was going on...it became clear. About 11 am, Donny was no longer with us in physical form.
This was the first time I had actually watched as a loved one died. Watched them go from being with me - to not. It felt so surreal. It felt so impossible. Like a broken record, I only could sob "no" over and over. After everything we had been through, after all the effort we had put into saving him...it was all over. It had not worked. He was lost.
Last Saturday was a dark, dark day. Painful, guilt-ridden, and scary.
Thankfully, due to friends, family, and Mikey...I have been able to get through this week. Mikey needed me to be strong for him. He had just lost his entire world. So mostly for his sake, I managed to pull myself together and push forward. He needed my attention far more than my grief did.
Donny was a stubborn fighter. Not just in this illness, but in his whole life. That was a rat determined to make his own way, do his own thing, and try his best to get Mommy as angry as possible as many times a day as he could.
He knew exactly how to get in trouble, and was relentless about it. Far too smart for his own good, he always figured out ways to get around any barriers I set up for him, or get at food I had hidden away.
Living life as a vegetable was not on Donnyapos;s to-do list, so the last few weeks of his life were very hard on him, psychologically. It just was not how Donny wanted to live.
And, well...there is that saying: live fast and die young. Donny really LIVED. He lived a whole lifetimeapos;s worth of adventures in a much shorter time span. Sometimes, it seems those sorts of people, pets, what have you, that take life and just give it their all...end up leaving us sooner than others. Almost as if weapos;re each allotted a certain amount of energy, for us to choose to use as we best see fit. Donny powered through his, and then moved on.
Like Marie has said, I like to think there is a party somewhere. And it is for all our little rodent friends. My old rats, Sasha and Moo are leading the affair, bringing down the house with raunchy jokes and party tricks. Keira Knightley is sitting on the sidelines, quiet, but just so pleased to be included. Marieapos;s guinea pigs are there, too. Peppy is welcoming everyone at the door, and Rosin is over at the snack table stuffing his face with duct tape. My mouse Cheezit is dancing on a table with a lampshade on his head. Raph is just joining the circle, finally letting loose and allowing himself to enjoy the socialness of it all. And Donny has just arrived - tackling Raph to the ground in a wonderful expression of brotherly love, and being slapped on the back and hugged by all the other party members. Together, theyapos;re toasting now to Donnyapos;s life, and to the impact he had on the world. And somewhere, deep in their thoughts, they remember those on Earth who loved and cared for them. Thereapos;s a second, silent toast.
Yesterday, my friend Steph and I buried Donatello in my backyard. He is at peace, now. His body has been returned to Mother Earth, while he soul is already with his Father, the Great Spirit that connects us all.
I did not cry all that much. In many ways, I had already said my goodbyes. This was just a way of bringing it all full circle and allowing for some closure.
He is nearby, now. He is with us. His memory has entered into the special place in my heart and mind where all my previous babies reside.
The pain has yet to fully ebb, and the grief still hits me at strange and unexpected intervals. But those will be healed with time.
Donatello, you were taken from us sooner than I felt you should have been. Sooner than you felt you should have been. But then again, you always were one to fight authority. Iapos;m pretty sure though, that the authority knew what was best for you this time.
You are no longer sick. You are free from that burden. I would say "rest in peace", but you never were one for resting or for peace. Instead, go and stir up trouble, kiddo, and have fun while you are at it. Just remember that at the end of the day, your brother and I are waiting here to love you, snuggle, and care for you when you do decide resting is not such a bad idea, after all.
I will never forget you, Donny. Youapos;ve left your mark on my clothes youapos;ve chewed holes in, my blankets youapos;ve shredded, my furniture youapos;ve gnawed...and my heart that youapos;ve touched.
Youapos;re with Raph now. Go have fun, you two.
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